Some State of Mind

It's been a long time since I wrote my last post. I have been going through a complete 100% transformation into my new being. If you don't know the old me, check the old blog posts; they will give you little insight into my mind. As for now, I can only hope to create the person I have desired to be.

I chose to write tonight for the simple reason that I just felt like it. I was in the mood for one of my rants on the trials, tribulations, and wonders of life. I have yet to come up with any answers. I do have three books on the LSAT's and many wonderful stories on the rendez-vous with the garcons I have met this year. All of these cats deserve their own blog post for the sheer insanity of their antics. But for the mean time, I will focus on me.

So where am I at? In my bedroom, looking at my amazing chart trying to memorize the "proper" way of dissecting an argument. This is very dangerous. I already possess the skills of a mad debater looking through clues in people's words so I can snatch their sanity and yank their control from under their feet. Now I have the tools to fully kill a person's opinion. And I do so with many tactical methods at my disposal. Variations in words have a strong effect. I wish more people would understand that; it would lead to more interesting conversations. But for the mean time, I just laugh. I can only hope that one day people will read my scheming and STOP! But human nature and ignorance are always to my advantage.

I have been watching a lot of "Dexter" for the past few days, and he has inspired me. It's funny I say that because he is a walking contradiction in it of itself, but he just speaks to me in a way that many people would not get. My feelings, those pieces broken inside me, are just that: pieces. When it comes down to it, they don't mean anything. I have tried to "pretend" for many years thinking of ways to care the way "normal" people care, but I just don't give a fuck. I make that clear to everyone I meet because I want them to see me for the arrogant, narcissistic bitch that I am, but they always end up falling for the smile or the eyes. They think, "I will change her," but all I do is play. I treat them like toys and leave them in the rain when I want to do something else. Disposible they all are. And I don't feel anything.

Let's correct that; I feel inspiration running through my veins. I want to be the best. I want to be remembered in history. I want the world to grovel at my feet every time they see me. And I want to be alone. So what's my state of mind? Dazed and confused.

Drunk blogging....

So I am drunk. And I wanted to share with the world just how I feel about my life.

I have been seeing a few men since I was left by my fiancee. Now, I am over my fiancee. After a while of complete isolation from him, I was able to just numb the feelings of love I once felt for him. This is quite interesting because in all honesty, I am still hung up on the feelings, but when I am told that I am loved, I feel nothing. I feel a sadness that is losing such a great love, but the truth is simply that life goes on and we must adjust to the circumstances of life.

Now, I am seeing a number of different people. I refuse to have the same circumstances that I had the past seven year because life happens now and once you experience a part of life that you have had a chance to live to the fullest, you move on to something completely different. It's quite interesting that I had such a serious relationship when I was young because I was able to experience and realize that relationships are not for me. Becoming a player in the process of dealing with the circumstances of life can have some serious consequences. Like for example, sleeping with a complete stranger. It's not the most breakthrough moment you can have; not even a simple common sense moment you can create for yourself. You simply end up feeling the same way because you gave it up with someone who has no recollection of the person you are. It's almost a sad part of life seeing people hook up in order to find some importance in their life. And it's true. If you were a true man, you would find someone that can fulfill your life, instead of finding people who mean absolutely nothing to you.

Like I said, I am drunk. Certain things can be talked about while being drunk, and this is one of them. I don't know who will read this, but I do know that the truth is being spewed each time that you read my blog. And this is one of them. I went from a seven-year relationship...to one-night stands...to I don't know. Now I look for the balance of whore and saint. Could you be more phony? I don't know....Being a whore my whole life, I don't know what else to be. But at the same time, I am a wife with the ability to care for a man better than any single woman out there. Yet, here I am in the same spot as I was seven years ago. And I am smarter, sexier, and better than I have ever been. When you are called a "dime piece" by a complete asshole that takes advantage of women, you know you are doing something right...but that's another blog-post.

I am drunk and I don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself because it feels good. And fuck the person next to you because they'll appreciate the offer...just saying...

Coming back from Hiatus...Part 2

I've decided to keep my blog and not start a new one. I wanted to start fresh since the life I created seven years ago went up in smoke like my J. But I cannot leave my blog for the sake of some asshole. Instead I have decided to vamp it up with new ideas for the mind and soul.

My focus has turned to something other than Honduras as I have returned to California with a new found freedom that will only lead to more adventures than I can fathom. At first I thought that my ex-fiancee was the reason for my adventures, but the truth is that I am the reason for my adventures because I have taken the plunge into unknown territories in hopes of finding more meaning to my life.

As of right now, my focus has been on partying and meeting men. I am honest with this because I don't like being a liar on my blog. It's fucking stupid and I refuse to be lying about my endeavors. I have met many men with different backgrounds, tastes, and ways of treating women. I gotta admit, I am not impressed by the selection, but everyday there is improvement. We shall see what arises.

In the mean time, I will continue to educate the masses on books, music, movies, and anything that I feel is essential to the overall progress of the world. We are surrounded by ignorance, so let's do our best to shed light on the truth; it is our best friend in the end and the only companion we will have for the rest of our lives and eternity.

My focus has turned to music. I bought the new Kanye West album...but that shall be discussed in the next post. To give an idea about my feelings of Kanye West...he speaks to my generation of people. I am not talking about the hoes or the street pharmacists, the pimps and gang bangers. I am talking about the educated minority that have been trapped by the stereotypes set forth by the white man and by ourselves. He speaks in a way that makes so much sense to me. He speaks the truth; it is raw and it is extremely controversial, but it hits you and you can't deny it. As the days follow, each song off my "Dark Twisted Fantasy" will be dissected to the point of no return in hopes that one can understand the true meaning of art and how it can be disguised as commercial hip hop. Please get ready and enjoy the show!

The most destructive, despicable, yet truthful love story of the 20th Century

I decided today would be the day I would continue writing about my adventures while traveling. For the most part, I have only been to Honduras and I lived there for two years. While in those two years, I encountered some wonderful and frightful events that led to me returning home to the place that is safe and comforting. While I live my life, I also enjoy reading the classics because there is nothing like learning from the most intelligent and crazy people that have ever lived. In this case, I chose to read "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov because it was my time. The things that happen while I live my life lead to the exact moment that I am in today. I shall explain later how such a relationship ties in to my life and my passions.

A brief description of the story of "Lolita" is as follows... Humbert Humbert has a fascination with young girls. He calls him "nymphets" in that these young girls are starved for the lust of older men, but they do not know it yet. When he leaves his native France to the States, he meets a woman with whom he is to spend the summer with. At first, he is extremely disappointed because his intentions were to go with a family that had a little girl living with them. But as he soon discovers, he meets the daughter of the woman he is to spend the summer with, and this is where the story truly begins. Dolores Haze becomes this infatuation, obsession, love that Humbert can not escape. As he fills his days with this nymphet, he begins to write about her in his journal in hopes to pacify any urges that might bring him to insanity. He calls her his Lolita and wishes that one day he will have his way with her. Her mother sends her to camp and wishes to marry Humbert in hopes of finding the man she truly loves. They get married and while he pretends to love the mother, he is more infatuated and obsessed with the idea of bedding Lolita and making her fall in love with him. Lolita's mother soon finds out of her husband's infidel ways of thinking, so she runs into the middle of the street, gets struck by a car and is killed instantly.

Destiny falls into place and now Humbert collects Lolita from camp and they begin their journey of love, lust, perversion, and attempt to create their own normalcy. To end matters, Lolita runs away and marries, Humbert kills the man Lolita ran off with, and ends up in prison for the rest of his life.

I decided not to discuss too much into detail the perverted events that took place while Humbert and Lolita were together because I am not a fan of pedophilia nor do I want to talk about it. But the one thing I will discuss is the ability to love something or someone even though the circumstances can seem completely ridiculous and often times criminal. When we fall in love, regardless with whom, we see nothing but the passion we feel for that person. Everything comes second and you will do anything to be with this person. I myself have endured years of this passion. I gave my life to a passion that was insurmountable, I could barely breathe just thinking about it. It was as if I put a pause on reality in order to feel one more second of this obsession I felt because it fulfilled me entirely. I believe this is how Humbert felt when he got a hold of his Lolita. It was a love so profound that nothing, not even the court system could stop him from getting his goal. I can only give vague details of the life I have led because quite frankly, my life is just one of the many lives that go through these circumstances. And while I hope that you all get this opportunity to feel the love I felt, I also hope you understand the big sacrifice you are giving. You are no longer the person that you thought you were. Your tolerance for pain grows stronger as you begin the road to disappointment. I say disappointment because this love so passionate can only lead to only place: extinguishing death.

I have misplaced my book so I cannot share my favorite quotes with you. I don't think it's necessary anyways. I just think now the reason why I read the book was to compare my life to the life of Humbert. I compare myself to him, and not Lolita, because my Lolita refused me just as much as Humbert's Lolita did. So now that I am at this place wondering all of the choices I made in hopes of finding some answers, I can only say that I loved through and through. The one thing that I have learned from my years of passion is that I do have the ability to love unconditionally. Did I learn how to control myself? No. I think I will always be that girl that engulfs herself in her passions. I think it's the only way to live; to love and to feel everything because then do I feel like I have truly lived the life that I was meant to live.

To end this post, Lolita can be called despicable; Lolita can be called atrocious. I call Lolita the greatest love story ever told simply because the circumstances do not mean anything when it comes to the love and devotion you feel for someone that you've profoundly connected to; there is NOTHING more important than to have that person in your arms at every moment, every breath, every word. I have had the privileged of experience such profound love. While it is destructive to the individual self, nothing can compare to the true feelings felt when falling, and I do mean FALLING, for someone this hard. The worst part about it is having it taken away, as it will most certainly be taken away. But for the mean time, I will do nothing but enjoy the fruits I have been given.

"See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will..."

Lauryn Hills knows how write the perfect song for the perfect heartbreak. I can truly understand her words in this song for I am living proof of what happens when you give yourself to someone so much that you lose touch of who you are.

My favorite part is when she says, "Tell me who I have to be? To get some reciprocity." I couldn't agree with her more in this instance. To describe the amount of love, devotion, dedication, and time I have given is insurmountable because I have given 100% of myself and now it's no longer wanted. And maybe it's wanted, but without reciprocity. So all I can do is play this song over and over until the pain goes away. Deep down, the pain will never go away for it's the love of my life, but as I live my life the only thing I can do is pretend to be okay again until it comes true, regardless of the outcome. So let's listen to this beautiful song in hopes that one day we will all find our way in this awful place we call life.

Lauryn Hill- "Ex-Factor"

"It could all be so simple

But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Repeat Hook

Care for me, care for me
You said you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me"
(Repeat)

Coming Back to the States

Now that I have been able to deal with my feelings about "being lonely" I find it necessary to really say how I feel about relations in the United States.

I really tried to keep a positive light about my country because I think I am very lucky to be here and have the opportunities I have had. My parents are from a little pueblo in Mexico and they came to the States because they wanted to build a home for their children. I commend them for this and I always wonder what my life would be like if I was living in that pueblo at this very moment. My life would be COMPLETELY different. I love them for making the sacrifice and for giving me the ability to be free.

While we are on the subject of free, my religion is the US Constitution. I believe in things that are factual and real. My faith is solely on the fact that our country is free and we as citizens of this country truly have unalienable rights surpass any law, and feeling, and other beliefs. Because of that I can speak my mind and not get shot for doing it.

So recently, I have been listening in the news and through posts that in NY a potential building project has come under fire because of its location. This building is a mosque and the location is two blocks away from the World Trade Center. Now if this country had everyone feel the same way I do about the constitution, we would not be having a debate about potentially stopping the mosque from every being built. But not everyone feels the way that I do. Some people feel it's "insensitive" to build this mosque near the World Trade Center because it might be disrespectful for the survivors and families of the victims. Some say that the Muslim community in that area may have ties to terrorism because they have this belief that all Muslims are terrorists. And the worst of all belief is that it is okay to deny people their rights if it has to do with a mosque because of the last two arguments. Now while we all have the right to free speech, can we also state that we have a right to practice any religion we may see fit and purchase any land we wish to attain.

To the most common argument of "insensitivity," I have no words for. I really can only say that feelings really do not come into a courtroom when deciding something as fundamental as the Bill of Rights. To use Jon Stewart's reference, the president of the NRA was holding a gun rally in Colorado at the same time that the Columbine shootings took place. While many many many people though this was "insensitive" that did not change the fact that the NRA had the RIGHT to do this and they fulfilled their right by holding this rally in Colorado. That same example can be applied to the current situation. We hear that people are outrage by this, yet they have THE RIGHT to build the mosque at whichever location they see fit. Again, IT IS THEIR RIGHT! as part of the first amendment. Now so that we are sure that this right exists, let's quote the US Constitution:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Now taking courses on the US Constitution and learning about the Founding fathers, the reason why the first amendment is the first amendment is because that was the biggest issue in dealing with the rights of the citizens. Our forefathers were persecuted in their mother country because of their religious preferences, and so when they had the most wonderful opportunity to create a new government, this was at the top of their list for important rights that they felt the citizens of the US must have. Today our Constitution still lives and our freedom to choose and follow and create an area for our religion is here to stay, regardless of any feelings anyone may have.

The second argument is that they "may" have ties to terrorist groups. That's even more RIDICULOUS! If this potential mosque really did have ties to terrorist groups, why would the location mean anything to their activities? Whether it's two blocks or two states, if a mosque is participating in treasonous activities, the location would have nothing to do with the argument. Yet many Republicans, which are the ones that are SHOUTING to neglect people's rights, keep saying that the location is the main issue. So I take that argument for what it really is, a JOKE! No more on that. DONE.

The last argument is that people are absolutely fine with taking away people's rights just because of their feelings for the Muslims. This is pure hate, ignorance and bigotry. The one thing that these people really don't understand is the idea of "precedence." Let's say for example that there is enough dissent to prevent this mosque from being built. This now becomes part of the law. And let's say that a couple of months after, a Catholic Church wants to build a church near a school. People start saying that they don't want a Catholic Church near the school because the priests "may" molest the students. Now because a precedent had been set with the mosque, the people crying to stop the Catholic Church would have the ammo to stop them from building the church. The reason for this is because the law is interpreted according to past decisions made by the court of law and the government. The law looks into the past in order to see what was considered fair and just. In this case what is considered fair and just is to "deny someone's first amendment right" because it was denied in the past due to certain circumstances. To make my point clear, whatever is accepted as law is easier to keep than to change.

To finally end my point, what do I really think about all of this. Facts aside, I truly feel that citizens of the States that are Muslims have the SAME rights as any white person. Furthermore, there is this feeling of "us versus everyone" with the white population that is Republican. This group of individuals for the entire time that the US has existed have run the country, have chosen the laws, and have created an environment that is safe for them. Now that we are coming to an age where their population decreases and the "others" population increases, they are SCREAMING anything they can deny people the respect and rights they deserve. I say this with the utmost respect for the Republican Party. I don't think they are all like this, but I do think that the majority of the white Republicans feel like this country does not belong to anyone except for them. Now that we have our black president, these feelings are coming out any which way they can bring it out. From Dr. Laura saying the n-word 11 times to one of the representatives of the Tea Party movement writing a racist letter to the NAACP proving their stance on the Tea Party, these feelings are most definitely coming out through different venues. While I see this, I just continue to expand my mind and truly see above all of this with a simple pamphlet that was given to me by my 11th grade teacher in my US Constitution class. It's the US Constitution, and I keep it close to my heart to remind myself that while many try to take away my rights, because every American is essentially on the same boat, I will always keep them because I am a citizen of this great country and I am just as American as everyone else.

"Lonely, I'm Ms. Lonely..."

When I hear this song, I think about the life I left behind to come back home. My mind changed the moment I got on the airplane, but sacrifices are what make us stronger.

Coming home has warped my mind in many different ways. You see things are the same. I have my room. I have my family. I have everything that I left behind the first time I left the nest. But things just seem different. Everything is different. I am different. And as much as I would like things to be the same, they are not the same.

I remember reading "One Hundred Years of Solitude." I always thought of myself as Aureliano Buendia because he was a miserable person with a calling. He was a general for the liberation party in war with a regime. He was a master at his craft, and he left his family to fulfill his destiny. In the end, he ends up making gold fishes all by himself with no real human connections or feelings. All it ever got him was a lack of compassion or real feeling of connection with humanity. I think of myself in that way simply because in the end I am alone. And I may travel the world, I may make all of my dreams come true, but nothing changes that sad fact of life. So for the mean time, I will continue to accomplish as much as I can and know that I am the only one who can do it for myself. So I am lonely. I'm Ms. Lonely.

When I first saw my family, I was speaking to one of my cousins. She mentioned that I looked sad in all of the pictures I took while I was away. I found it completely ridiculous for this person to know anything about how I felt while I was gone. She didn't even ask me what I did over in Honduras, yet she had this understanding that I was miserable while I was away from my family. To be honest with her and you, there are things that make me sad that will never change regardless of the location of my body. I will always have things in the back of my mind that will make me reconsider every single choice I make in my life. But the truth is that I was very happy living my life and doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do. What I found sad at the moment was the fact that this person was living an empty life full of plastic surgery and drama. Yet, I am the one that "looked" sad. Maybe my eyes are just that way and you've offended me. But of course, they can say what they like and I just sit there staring and judging. C'est la vie.