Some State of Mind

It's been a long time since I wrote my last post. I have been going through a complete 100% transformation into my new being. If you don't know the old me, check the old blog posts; they will give you little insight into my mind. As for now, I can only hope to create the person I have desired to be.

I chose to write tonight for the simple reason that I just felt like it. I was in the mood for one of my rants on the trials, tribulations, and wonders of life. I have yet to come up with any answers. I do have three books on the LSAT's and many wonderful stories on the rendez-vous with the garcons I have met this year. All of these cats deserve their own blog post for the sheer insanity of their antics. But for the mean time, I will focus on me.

So where am I at? In my bedroom, looking at my amazing chart trying to memorize the "proper" way of dissecting an argument. This is very dangerous. I already possess the skills of a mad debater looking through clues in people's words so I can snatch their sanity and yank their control from under their feet. Now I have the tools to fully kill a person's opinion. And I do so with many tactical methods at my disposal. Variations in words have a strong effect. I wish more people would understand that; it would lead to more interesting conversations. But for the mean time, I just laugh. I can only hope that one day people will read my scheming and STOP! But human nature and ignorance are always to my advantage.

I have been watching a lot of "Dexter" for the past few days, and he has inspired me. It's funny I say that because he is a walking contradiction in it of itself, but he just speaks to me in a way that many people would not get. My feelings, those pieces broken inside me, are just that: pieces. When it comes down to it, they don't mean anything. I have tried to "pretend" for many years thinking of ways to care the way "normal" people care, but I just don't give a fuck. I make that clear to everyone I meet because I want them to see me for the arrogant, narcissistic bitch that I am, but they always end up falling for the smile or the eyes. They think, "I will change her," but all I do is play. I treat them like toys and leave them in the rain when I want to do something else. Disposible they all are. And I don't feel anything.

Let's correct that; I feel inspiration running through my veins. I want to be the best. I want to be remembered in history. I want the world to grovel at my feet every time they see me. And I want to be alone. So what's my state of mind? Dazed and confused.

Coming back from Hiatus...Part 2

I've decided to keep my blog and not start a new one. I wanted to start fresh since the life I created seven years ago went up in smoke like my J. But I cannot leave my blog for the sake of some asshole. Instead I have decided to vamp it up with new ideas for the mind and soul.

My focus has turned to something other than Honduras as I have returned to California with a new found freedom that will only lead to more adventures than I can fathom. At first I thought that my ex-fiancee was the reason for my adventures, but the truth is that I am the reason for my adventures because I have taken the plunge into unknown territories in hopes of finding more meaning to my life.

As of right now, my focus has been on partying and meeting men. I am honest with this because I don't like being a liar on my blog. It's fucking stupid and I refuse to be lying about my endeavors. I have met many men with different backgrounds, tastes, and ways of treating women. I gotta admit, I am not impressed by the selection, but everyday there is improvement. We shall see what arises.

In the mean time, I will continue to educate the masses on books, music, movies, and anything that I feel is essential to the overall progress of the world. We are surrounded by ignorance, so let's do our best to shed light on the truth; it is our best friend in the end and the only companion we will have for the rest of our lives and eternity.

My focus has turned to music. I bought the new Kanye West album...but that shall be discussed in the next post. To give an idea about my feelings of Kanye West...he speaks to my generation of people. I am not talking about the hoes or the street pharmacists, the pimps and gang bangers. I am talking about the educated minority that have been trapped by the stereotypes set forth by the white man and by ourselves. He speaks in a way that makes so much sense to me. He speaks the truth; it is raw and it is extremely controversial, but it hits you and you can't deny it. As the days follow, each song off my "Dark Twisted Fantasy" will be dissected to the point of no return in hopes that one can understand the true meaning of art and how it can be disguised as commercial hip hop. Please get ready and enjoy the show!

The most destructive, despicable, yet truthful love story of the 20th Century

I decided today would be the day I would continue writing about my adventures while traveling. For the most part, I have only been to Honduras and I lived there for two years. While in those two years, I encountered some wonderful and frightful events that led to me returning home to the place that is safe and comforting. While I live my life, I also enjoy reading the classics because there is nothing like learning from the most intelligent and crazy people that have ever lived. In this case, I chose to read "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov because it was my time. The things that happen while I live my life lead to the exact moment that I am in today. I shall explain later how such a relationship ties in to my life and my passions.

A brief description of the story of "Lolita" is as follows... Humbert Humbert has a fascination with young girls. He calls him "nymphets" in that these young girls are starved for the lust of older men, but they do not know it yet. When he leaves his native France to the States, he meets a woman with whom he is to spend the summer with. At first, he is extremely disappointed because his intentions were to go with a family that had a little girl living with them. But as he soon discovers, he meets the daughter of the woman he is to spend the summer with, and this is where the story truly begins. Dolores Haze becomes this infatuation, obsession, love that Humbert can not escape. As he fills his days with this nymphet, he begins to write about her in his journal in hopes to pacify any urges that might bring him to insanity. He calls her his Lolita and wishes that one day he will have his way with her. Her mother sends her to camp and wishes to marry Humbert in hopes of finding the man she truly loves. They get married and while he pretends to love the mother, he is more infatuated and obsessed with the idea of bedding Lolita and making her fall in love with him. Lolita's mother soon finds out of her husband's infidel ways of thinking, so she runs into the middle of the street, gets struck by a car and is killed instantly.

Destiny falls into place and now Humbert collects Lolita from camp and they begin their journey of love, lust, perversion, and attempt to create their own normalcy. To end matters, Lolita runs away and marries, Humbert kills the man Lolita ran off with, and ends up in prison for the rest of his life.

I decided not to discuss too much into detail the perverted events that took place while Humbert and Lolita were together because I am not a fan of pedophilia nor do I want to talk about it. But the one thing I will discuss is the ability to love something or someone even though the circumstances can seem completely ridiculous and often times criminal. When we fall in love, regardless with whom, we see nothing but the passion we feel for that person. Everything comes second and you will do anything to be with this person. I myself have endured years of this passion. I gave my life to a passion that was insurmountable, I could barely breathe just thinking about it. It was as if I put a pause on reality in order to feel one more second of this obsession I felt because it fulfilled me entirely. I believe this is how Humbert felt when he got a hold of his Lolita. It was a love so profound that nothing, not even the court system could stop him from getting his goal. I can only give vague details of the life I have led because quite frankly, my life is just one of the many lives that go through these circumstances. And while I hope that you all get this opportunity to feel the love I felt, I also hope you understand the big sacrifice you are giving. You are no longer the person that you thought you were. Your tolerance for pain grows stronger as you begin the road to disappointment. I say disappointment because this love so passionate can only lead to only place: extinguishing death.

I have misplaced my book so I cannot share my favorite quotes with you. I don't think it's necessary anyways. I just think now the reason why I read the book was to compare my life to the life of Humbert. I compare myself to him, and not Lolita, because my Lolita refused me just as much as Humbert's Lolita did. So now that I am at this place wondering all of the choices I made in hopes of finding some answers, I can only say that I loved through and through. The one thing that I have learned from my years of passion is that I do have the ability to love unconditionally. Did I learn how to control myself? No. I think I will always be that girl that engulfs herself in her passions. I think it's the only way to live; to love and to feel everything because then do I feel like I have truly lived the life that I was meant to live.

To end this post, Lolita can be called despicable; Lolita can be called atrocious. I call Lolita the greatest love story ever told simply because the circumstances do not mean anything when it comes to the love and devotion you feel for someone that you've profoundly connected to; there is NOTHING more important than to have that person in your arms at every moment, every breath, every word. I have had the privileged of experience such profound love. While it is destructive to the individual self, nothing can compare to the true feelings felt when falling, and I do mean FALLING, for someone this hard. The worst part about it is having it taken away, as it will most certainly be taken away. But for the mean time, I will do nothing but enjoy the fruits I have been given.

Surf the Channel- Another Companion

One of my other companions on this trip is "surfthechannel.com." If anyone knows anything about me, the one thing they would know is how much I love television and media. Growing up and watching The Simpsons, I grew fascinated and obsessed with media. I would literally watch 5-8 hours of television a day, sometimes to the wee hours of the morning. Since it's important to me, I have found a way to keep it in my life.

When moving to Honduras, one of my many concerns was, "What the hell am I going to about television and movies?" Then came the wonderful world of surfthehannel.com. I had heard it from a friend, don't remember who, and so I took it upon myself to find this website where the magic happened. I was not disappointed!

Every movie and television show I can think of can be found in this website. Any documentary, funny item, anything (except "The Devil Wears Prada") can be found. And for every item I see, there is always something interesting to say.

On that note, this marks the first item about surfthechannel.com section. There will be many more commentaries about the website, and what's on it. Check it out and see if you can find your long lost brother!