Some State of Mind

It's been a long time since I wrote my last post. I have been going through a complete 100% transformation into my new being. If you don't know the old me, check the old blog posts; they will give you little insight into my mind. As for now, I can only hope to create the person I have desired to be.

I chose to write tonight for the simple reason that I just felt like it. I was in the mood for one of my rants on the trials, tribulations, and wonders of life. I have yet to come up with any answers. I do have three books on the LSAT's and many wonderful stories on the rendez-vous with the garcons I have met this year. All of these cats deserve their own blog post for the sheer insanity of their antics. But for the mean time, I will focus on me.

So where am I at? In my bedroom, looking at my amazing chart trying to memorize the "proper" way of dissecting an argument. This is very dangerous. I already possess the skills of a mad debater looking through clues in people's words so I can snatch their sanity and yank their control from under their feet. Now I have the tools to fully kill a person's opinion. And I do so with many tactical methods at my disposal. Variations in words have a strong effect. I wish more people would understand that; it would lead to more interesting conversations. But for the mean time, I just laugh. I can only hope that one day people will read my scheming and STOP! But human nature and ignorance are always to my advantage.

I have been watching a lot of "Dexter" for the past few days, and he has inspired me. It's funny I say that because he is a walking contradiction in it of itself, but he just speaks to me in a way that many people would not get. My feelings, those pieces broken inside me, are just that: pieces. When it comes down to it, they don't mean anything. I have tried to "pretend" for many years thinking of ways to care the way "normal" people care, but I just don't give a fuck. I make that clear to everyone I meet because I want them to see me for the arrogant, narcissistic bitch that I am, but they always end up falling for the smile or the eyes. They think, "I will change her," but all I do is play. I treat them like toys and leave them in the rain when I want to do something else. Disposible they all are. And I don't feel anything.

Let's correct that; I feel inspiration running through my veins. I want to be the best. I want to be remembered in history. I want the world to grovel at my feet every time they see me. And I want to be alone. So what's my state of mind? Dazed and confused.

The loner...

Does anyone even know what that means?

I've been inspired at this moment to write about how much I hate people. I started thinking about my time in high school and I couldn't help but say, "Man, I hate people!" Now what does that have to do with the word loner? Well I think it goes hand in hand with my complete distaste in the "collective" mindset.

Now before you stop reading this, I will explain thoroughly what I mean by the word "people". This means any kind of group, three or more. This also includes when I am a part of a group of three or more in a setting where we are allowed to speak loudly. The reason this is so irritating to me that I have to touch on such a powerful feeling is because the constant, non-stop, deliberately bitchy attitude that I see from groups of people. Sometimes it's very apparent while other times it seems to come out of left field.

The one thing I can't stand most about groups of people is the judgment. I think its one of the most annoying feelings to have when someone is judging you, let alone a group of fucking people. I mean I truly hate having to see the glare of condensation from certain groups. It almost makes me want to scream, "FUCK YOU!" while giving them the middle finger and telling them all of their indiscretions because they are no fucking saints themselves. That's how much I hate groups of people.

And to make matters worse because the crowd relies so heavily on numbers, the more people in the group the more willingness to act the same, so there is more judgment passed on to you.

So I often avoid settings where I will find myself engulf in the feeling of judgment. If that makes me a "loner" then I guess I am a loner. But I still feel the same way and none of these feelings ever change regardless which setting I put myself in. In high school, I was the one being judge. In Roatan, I was the one judging and the one being judged.

So to end my small post, I will say this...

1. I hate groups of people.
2. I am a loner because I hate groups of people.
3. I like being a loner.

Now there are many reasons why I am a loner, but for now this is just one.

So as I head out to the beach, I will take my book to read and swim in order to have my "loner" time to myself. And I hope that I won't get hit on today...