Some State of Mind

It's been a long time since I wrote my last post. I have been going through a complete 100% transformation into my new being. If you don't know the old me, check the old blog posts; they will give you little insight into my mind. As for now, I can only hope to create the person I have desired to be.

I chose to write tonight for the simple reason that I just felt like it. I was in the mood for one of my rants on the trials, tribulations, and wonders of life. I have yet to come up with any answers. I do have three books on the LSAT's and many wonderful stories on the rendez-vous with the garcons I have met this year. All of these cats deserve their own blog post for the sheer insanity of their antics. But for the mean time, I will focus on me.

So where am I at? In my bedroom, looking at my amazing chart trying to memorize the "proper" way of dissecting an argument. This is very dangerous. I already possess the skills of a mad debater looking through clues in people's words so I can snatch their sanity and yank their control from under their feet. Now I have the tools to fully kill a person's opinion. And I do so with many tactical methods at my disposal. Variations in words have a strong effect. I wish more people would understand that; it would lead to more interesting conversations. But for the mean time, I just laugh. I can only hope that one day people will read my scheming and STOP! But human nature and ignorance are always to my advantage.

I have been watching a lot of "Dexter" for the past few days, and he has inspired me. It's funny I say that because he is a walking contradiction in it of itself, but he just speaks to me in a way that many people would not get. My feelings, those pieces broken inside me, are just that: pieces. When it comes down to it, they don't mean anything. I have tried to "pretend" for many years thinking of ways to care the way "normal" people care, but I just don't give a fuck. I make that clear to everyone I meet because I want them to see me for the arrogant, narcissistic bitch that I am, but they always end up falling for the smile or the eyes. They think, "I will change her," but all I do is play. I treat them like toys and leave them in the rain when I want to do something else. Disposible they all are. And I don't feel anything.

Let's correct that; I feel inspiration running through my veins. I want to be the best. I want to be remembered in history. I want the world to grovel at my feet every time they see me. And I want to be alone. So what's my state of mind? Dazed and confused.

"See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will..."

Lauryn Hills knows how write the perfect song for the perfect heartbreak. I can truly understand her words in this song for I am living proof of what happens when you give yourself to someone so much that you lose touch of who you are.

My favorite part is when she says, "Tell me who I have to be? To get some reciprocity." I couldn't agree with her more in this instance. To describe the amount of love, devotion, dedication, and time I have given is insurmountable because I have given 100% of myself and now it's no longer wanted. And maybe it's wanted, but without reciprocity. So all I can do is play this song over and over until the pain goes away. Deep down, the pain will never go away for it's the love of my life, but as I live my life the only thing I can do is pretend to be okay again until it comes true, regardless of the outcome. So let's listen to this beautiful song in hopes that one day we will all find our way in this awful place we call life.

Lauryn Hill- "Ex-Factor"

"It could all be so simple

But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Repeat Hook

Care for me, care for me
You said you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me"
(Repeat)

"Lonely, I'm Ms. Lonely..."

When I hear this song, I think about the life I left behind to come back home. My mind changed the moment I got on the airplane, but sacrifices are what make us stronger.

Coming home has warped my mind in many different ways. You see things are the same. I have my room. I have my family. I have everything that I left behind the first time I left the nest. But things just seem different. Everything is different. I am different. And as much as I would like things to be the same, they are not the same.

I remember reading "One Hundred Years of Solitude." I always thought of myself as Aureliano Buendia because he was a miserable person with a calling. He was a general for the liberation party in war with a regime. He was a master at his craft, and he left his family to fulfill his destiny. In the end, he ends up making gold fishes all by himself with no real human connections or feelings. All it ever got him was a lack of compassion or real feeling of connection with humanity. I think of myself in that way simply because in the end I am alone. And I may travel the world, I may make all of my dreams come true, but nothing changes that sad fact of life. So for the mean time, I will continue to accomplish as much as I can and know that I am the only one who can do it for myself. So I am lonely. I'm Ms. Lonely.

When I first saw my family, I was speaking to one of my cousins. She mentioned that I looked sad in all of the pictures I took while I was away. I found it completely ridiculous for this person to know anything about how I felt while I was gone. She didn't even ask me what I did over in Honduras, yet she had this understanding that I was miserable while I was away from my family. To be honest with her and you, there are things that make me sad that will never change regardless of the location of my body. I will always have things in the back of my mind that will make me reconsider every single choice I make in my life. But the truth is that I was very happy living my life and doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do. What I found sad at the moment was the fact that this person was living an empty life full of plastic surgery and drama. Yet, I am the one that "looked" sad. Maybe my eyes are just that way and you've offended me. But of course, they can say what they like and I just sit there staring and judging. C'est la vie.