Saturday, December 25, 2010
I have been seeing a few men since I was left by my fiancee. Now, I am over my fiancee. After a while of complete isolation from him, I was able to just numb the feelings of love I once felt for him. This is quite interesting because in all honesty, I am still hung up on the feelings, but when I am told that I am loved, I feel nothing. I feel a sadness that is losing such a great love, but the truth is simply that life goes on and we must adjust to the circumstances of life.
Now, I am seeing a number of different people. I refuse to have the same circumstances that I had the past seven year because life happens now and once you experience a part of life that you have had a chance to live to the fullest, you move on to something completely different. It's quite interesting that I had such a serious relationship when I was young because I was able to experience and realize that relationships are not for me. Becoming a player in the process of dealing with the circumstances of life can have some serious consequences. Like for example, sleeping with a complete stranger. It's not the most breakthrough moment you can have; not even a simple common sense moment you can create for yourself. You simply end up feeling the same way because you gave it up with someone who has no recollection of the person you are. It's almost a sad part of life seeing people hook up in order to find some importance in their life. And it's true. If you were a true man, you would find someone that can fulfill your life, instead of finding people who mean absolutely nothing to you.
Like I said, I am drunk. Certain things can be talked about while being drunk, and this is one of them. I don't know who will read this, but I do know that the truth is being spewed each time that you read my blog. And this is one of them. I went from a seven-year relationship...to one-night stands...to I don't know. Now I look for the balance of whore and saint. Could you be more phony? I don't know....Being a whore my whole life, I don't know what else to be. But at the same time, I am a wife with the ability to care for a man better than any single woman out there. Yet, here I am in the same spot as I was seven years ago. And I am smarter, sexier, and better than I have ever been. When you are called a "dime piece" by a complete asshole that takes advantage of women, you know you are doing something right...but that's another blog-post.
I am drunk and I don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself because it feels good. And fuck the person next to you because they'll appreciate the offer...just saying...
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I've decided to keep my blog and not start a new one. I wanted to start fresh since the life I created seven years ago went up in smoke like my J. But I cannot leave my blog for the sake of some asshole. Instead I have decided to vamp it up with new ideas for the mind and soul.
My focus has turned to something other than Honduras as I have returned to California with a new found freedom that will only lead to more adventures than I can fathom. At first I thought that my ex-fiancee was the reason for my adventures, but the truth is that I am the reason for my adventures because I have taken the plunge into unknown territories in hopes of finding more meaning to my life.
As of right now, my focus has been on partying and meeting men. I am honest with this because I don't like being a liar on my blog. It's fucking stupid and I refuse to be lying about my endeavors. I have met many men with different backgrounds, tastes, and ways of treating women. I gotta admit, I am not impressed by the selection, but everyday there is improvement. We shall see what arises.
In the mean time, I will continue to educate the masses on books, music, movies, and anything that I feel is essential to the overall progress of the world. We are surrounded by ignorance, so let's do our best to shed light on the truth; it is our best friend in the end and the only companion we will have for the rest of our lives and eternity.
My focus has turned to music. I bought the new Kanye West album...but that shall be discussed in the next post. To give an idea about my feelings of Kanye West...he speaks to my generation of people. I am not talking about the hoes or the street pharmacists, the pimps and gang bangers. I am talking about the educated minority that have been trapped by the stereotypes set forth by the white man and by ourselves. He speaks in a way that makes so much sense to me. He speaks the truth; it is raw and it is extremely controversial, but it hits you and you can't deny it. As the days follow, each song off my "Dark Twisted Fantasy" will be dissected to the point of no return in hopes that one can understand the true meaning of art and how it can be disguised as commercial hip hop. Please get ready and enjoy the show!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I decided today would be the day I would continue writing about my adventures while traveling. For the most part, I have only been to Honduras and I lived there for two years. While in those two years, I encountered some wonderful and frightful events that led to me returning home to the place that is safe and comforting. While I live my life, I also enjoy reading the classics because there is nothing like learning from the most intelligent and crazy people that have ever lived. In this case, I chose to read "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov because it was my time. The things that happen while I live my life lead to the exact moment that I am in today. I shall explain later how such a relationship ties in to my life and my passions.
A brief description of the story of "Lolita" is as follows... Humbert Humbert has a fascination with young girls. He calls him "nymphets" in that these young girls are starved for the lust of older men, but they do not know it yet. When he leaves his native France to the States, he meets a woman with whom he is to spend the summer with. At first, he is extremely disappointed because his intentions were to go with a family that had a little girl living with them. But as he soon discovers, he meets the daughter of the woman he is to spend the summer with, and this is where the story truly begins. Dolores Haze becomes this infatuation, obsession, love that Humbert can not escape. As he fills his days with this nymphet, he begins to write about her in his journal in hopes to pacify any urges that might bring him to insanity. He calls her his Lolita and wishes that one day he will have his way with her. Her mother sends her to camp and wishes to marry Humbert in hopes of finding the man she truly loves. They get married and while he pretends to love the mother, he is more infatuated and obsessed with the idea of bedding Lolita and making her fall in love with him. Lolita's mother soon finds out of her husband's infidel ways of thinking, so she runs into the middle of the street, gets struck by a car and is killed instantly.
Destiny falls into place and now Humbert collects Lolita from camp and they begin their journey of love, lust, perversion, and attempt to create their own normalcy. To end matters, Lolita runs away and marries, Humbert kills the man Lolita ran off with, and ends up in prison for the rest of his life.
I decided not to discuss too much into detail the perverted events that took place while Humbert and Lolita were together because I am not a fan of pedophilia nor do I want to talk about it. But the one thing I will discuss is the ability to love something or someone even though the circumstances can seem completely ridiculous and often times criminal. When we fall in love, regardless with whom, we see nothing but the passion we feel for that person. Everything comes second and you will do anything to be with this person. I myself have endured years of this passion. I gave my life to a passion that was insurmountable, I could barely breathe just thinking about it. It was as if I put a pause on reality in order to feel one more second of this obsession I felt because it fulfilled me entirely. I believe this is how Humbert felt when he got a hold of his Lolita. It was a love so profound that nothing, not even the court system could stop him from getting his goal. I can only give vague details of the life I have led because quite frankly, my life is just one of the many lives that go through these circumstances. And while I hope that you all get this opportunity to feel the love I felt, I also hope you understand the big sacrifice you are giving. You are no longer the person that you thought you were. Your tolerance for pain grows stronger as you begin the road to disappointment. I say disappointment because this love so passionate can only lead to only place: extinguishing death.
I have misplaced my book so I cannot share my favorite quotes with you. I don't think it's necessary anyways. I just think now the reason why I read the book was to compare my life to the life of Humbert. I compare myself to him, and not Lolita, because my Lolita refused me just as much as Humbert's Lolita did. So now that I am at this place wondering all of the choices I made in hopes of finding some answers, I can only say that I loved through and through. The one thing that I have learned from my years of passion is that I do have the ability to love unconditionally. Did I learn how to control myself? No. I think I will always be that girl that engulfs herself in her passions. I think it's the only way to live; to love and to feel everything because then do I feel like I have truly lived the life that I was meant to live.
To end this post, Lolita can be called despicable; Lolita can be called atrocious. I call Lolita the greatest love story ever told simply because the circumstances do not mean anything when it comes to the love and devotion you feel for someone that you've profoundly connected to; there is NOTHING more important than to have that person in your arms at every moment, every breath, every word. I have had the privileged of experience such profound love. While it is destructive to the individual self, nothing can compare to the true feelings felt when falling, and I do mean FALLING, for someone this hard. The worst part about it is having it taken away, as it will most certainly be taken away. But for the mean time, I will do nothing but enjoy the fruits I have been given.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Lauryn Hills knows how write the perfect song for the perfect heartbreak. I can truly understand her words in this song for I am living proof of what happens when you give yourself to someone so much that you lose touch of who you are.
My favorite part is when she says, "Tell me who I have to be? To get some reciprocity." I couldn't agree with her more in this instance. To describe the amount of love, devotion, dedication, and time I have given is insurmountable because I have given 100% of myself and now it's no longer wanted. And maybe it's wanted, but without reciprocity. So all I can do is play this song over and over until the pain goes away. Deep down, the pain will never go away for it's the love of my life, but as I live my life the only thing I can do is pretend to be okay again until it comes true, regardless of the outcome. So let's listen to this beautiful song in hopes that one day we will all find our way in this awful place we call life.
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
Care for me, care for me
You said you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Now that I have been able to deal with my feelings about "being lonely" I find it necessary to really say how I feel about relations in the United States.
I really tried to keep a positive light about my country because I think I am very lucky to be here and have the opportunities I have had. My parents are from a little pueblo in Mexico and they came to the States because they wanted to build a home for their children. I commend them for this and I always wonder what my life would be like if I was living in that pueblo at this very moment. My life would be COMPLETELY different. I love them for making the sacrifice and for giving me the ability to be free.
While we are on the subject of free, my religion is the US Constitution. I believe in things that are factual and real. My faith is solely on the fact that our country is free and we as citizens of this country truly have unalienable rights surpass any law, and feeling, and other beliefs. Because of that I can speak my mind and not get shot for doing it.
So recently, I have been listening in the news and through posts that in NY a potential building project has come under fire because of its location. This building is a mosque and the location is two blocks away from the World Trade Center. Now if this country had everyone feel the same way I do about the constitution, we would not be having a debate about potentially stopping the mosque from every being built. But not everyone feels the way that I do. Some people feel it's "insensitive" to build this mosque near the World Trade Center because it might be disrespectful for the survivors and families of the victims. Some say that the Muslim community in that area may have ties to terrorism because they have this belief that all Muslims are terrorists. And the worst of all belief is that it is okay to deny people their rights if it has to do with a mosque because of the last two arguments. Now while we all have the right to free speech, can we also state that we have a right to practice any religion we may see fit and purchase any land we wish to attain.
To the most common argument of "insensitivity," I have no words for. I really can only say that feelings really do not come into a courtroom when deciding something as fundamental as the Bill of Rights. To use Jon Stewart's reference, the president of the NRA was holding a gun rally in Colorado at the same time that the Columbine shootings took place. While many many many people though this was "insensitive" that did not change the fact that the NRA had the RIGHT to do this and they fulfilled their right by holding this rally in Colorado. That same example can be applied to the current situation. We hear that people are outrage by this, yet they have THE RIGHT to build the mosque at whichever location they see fit. Again, IT IS THEIR RIGHT! as part of the first amendment. Now so that we are sure that this right exists, let's quote the US Constitution:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
Now taking courses on the US Constitution and learning about the Founding fathers, the reason why the first amendment is the first amendment is because that was the biggest issue in dealing with the rights of the citizens. Our forefathers were persecuted in their mother country because of their religious preferences, and so when they had the most wonderful opportunity to create a new government, this was at the top of their list for important rights that they felt the citizens of the US must have. Today our Constitution still lives and our freedom to choose and follow and create an area for our religion is here to stay, regardless of any feelings anyone may have.
The second argument is that they "may" have ties to terrorist groups. That's even more RIDICULOUS! If this potential mosque really did have ties to terrorist groups, why would the location mean anything to their activities? Whether it's two blocks or two states, if a mosque is participating in treasonous activities, the location would have nothing to do with the argument. Yet many Republicans, which are the ones that are SHOUTING to neglect people's rights, keep saying that the location is the main issue. So I take that argument for what it really is, a JOKE! No more on that. DONE.
The last argument is that people are absolutely fine with taking away people's rights just because of their feelings for the Muslims. This is pure hate, ignorance and bigotry. The one thing that these people really don't understand is the idea of "precedence." Let's say for example that there is enough dissent to prevent this mosque from being built. This now becomes part of the law. And let's say that a couple of months after, a Catholic Church wants to build a church near a school. People start saying that they don't want a Catholic Church near the school because the priests "may" molest the students. Now because a precedent had been set with the mosque, the people crying to stop the Catholic Church would have the ammo to stop them from building the church. The reason for this is because the law is interpreted according to past decisions made by the court of law and the government. The law looks into the past in order to see what was considered fair and just. In this case what is considered fair and just is to "deny someone's first amendment right" because it was denied in the past due to certain circumstances. To make my point clear, whatever is accepted as law is easier to keep than to change.
To finally end my point, what do I really think about all of this. Facts aside, I truly feel that citizens of the States that are Muslims have the SAME rights as any white person. Furthermore, there is this feeling of "us versus everyone" with the white population that is Republican. This group of individuals for the entire time that the US has existed have run the country, have chosen the laws, and have created an environment that is safe for them. Now that we are coming to an age where their population decreases and the "others" population increases, they are SCREAMING anything they can deny people the respect and rights they deserve. I say this with the utmost respect for the Republican Party. I don't think they are all like this, but I do think that the majority of the white Republicans feel like this country does not belong to anyone except for them. Now that we have our black president, these feelings are coming out any which way they can bring it out. From Dr. Laura saying the n-word 11 times to one of the representatives of the Tea Party movement writing a racist letter to the NAACP proving their stance on the Tea Party, these feelings are most definitely coming out through different venues. While I see this, I just continue to expand my mind and truly see above all of this with a simple pamphlet that was given to me by my 11th grade teacher in my US Constitution class. It's the US Constitution, and I keep it close to my heart to remind myself that while many try to take away my rights, because every American is essentially on the same boat, I will always keep them because I am a citizen of this great country and I am just as American as everyone else.
When I hear this song, I think about the life I left behind to come back home. My mind changed the moment I got on the airplane, but sacrifices are what make us stronger.
Coming home has warped my mind in many different ways. You see things are the same. I have my room. I have my family. I have everything that I left behind the first time I left the nest. But things just seem different. Everything is different. I am different. And as much as I would like things to be the same, they are not the same.
I remember reading "One Hundred Years of Solitude." I always thought of myself as Aureliano Buendia because he was a miserable person with a calling. He was a general for the liberation party in war with a regime. He was a master at his craft, and he left his family to fulfill his destiny. In the end, he ends up making gold fishes all by himself with no real human connections or feelings. All it ever got him was a lack of compassion or real feeling of connection with humanity. I think of myself in that way simply because in the end I am alone. And I may travel the world, I may make all of my dreams come true, but nothing changes that sad fact of life. So for the mean time, I will continue to accomplish as much as I can and know that I am the only one who can do it for myself. So I am lonely. I'm Ms. Lonely.
When I first saw my family, I was speaking to one of my cousins. She mentioned that I looked sad in all of the pictures I took while I was away. I found it completely ridiculous for this person to know anything about how I felt while I was gone. She didn't even ask me what I did over in Honduras, yet she had this understanding that I was miserable while I was away from my family. To be honest with her and you, there are things that make me sad that will never change regardless of the location of my body. I will always have things in the back of my mind that will make me reconsider every single choice I make in my life. But the truth is that I was very happy living my life and doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do. What I found sad at the moment was the fact that this person was living an empty life full of plastic surgery and drama. Yet, I am the one that "looked" sad. Maybe my eyes are just that way and you've offended me. But of course, they can say what they like and I just sit there staring and judging. C'est la vie.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I haven't been able to find the information of the unknown, so just marvel at their simple beauty.
These are just some of the pictures I have. I guess I have grown inspired to capture all of this beauty before we lose it all. But that's another post altogether. Enjoy!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
So I started reading Thomas Paine the other day because that's what history grads do, and wanted to just stop. I felt it too "old time" for this kind of world, but then I began thinking about what the possibilities are for someone to create a new idea on "common sense." The times of monarchs are gone, so this idea no longer applies to our world. Would it even work?
Thomas Paine has been remembered as one of the radicals of the American Revolution and his writings impacted it greatly. Some say he was the catalyst for the sentiment of freedom to be felt throughout the thirteen colonies. The pamphlet sold over 150,000 copies at a time where men were the only ones, generally speaking, that could read. Some say he was one of the founders of the American Revolution, with the likes of Jefferson, Franklin, and Washington. His "common sense" had that much of an impact for their time.
Thomas Pain was a great writer. He took the ideas that people spoke during revolutionary times and was able to provide an understanding to the masses that proved necessary for revolution to occur. For Thomas Paine it was also essential to live in this time in order to write this lovely pamphlet because it was "destined" for it; I do mean the pamphlet. Now we ask ourselves what was so important about the pamphlet and how can we apply it to our lives? Everything in life is connected, so let's see what we can find.
The first section is titled Of the Origin and Design of Government in General. With Concise Remarks on the English Constitution. Just to give you a little idea of Paine's opinion on the government, "Society is produced by our wants, government by our wickedness; the former promotes our happiness positively by uniting our affections, the latter negatively by restraining our vices" (pg 6). We come to find that we govern ourselves according to two sets of laws: society's laws and government's law. In this case, Paine points out that society is responsible for designing our "civilization" providing ideas for growing and "creating." On the other hand, government is solely responsible for "maintaining order" by providing discipline on situations that may be too much for society. While society allows you to grow, government limits you.
Furthermore, the government has sections that correspond to responsibilities in order to create a more "balanced" view of society. With regards to the English government, it has three branches of government, the Commons, the Monarch, and the Lords. While responsibility lies on the fact that all will participate in government affairs, calling themselves a "republic," common practice was that the king decided everything. Now Paine makes the point that the English government in itself is completely contradictory. The purpose of the republic is representation in the government and a limited government. But, the king is still the one responsible for making all of the decisions, especially when it comes to the thirteen colonies. Now we come to the point where we see why there is so much negative sentiment for the English government. They are hypocrites. They show a republic, but all of it is a puppet show for the King to rule everyone.
The second section is titled Of Monarchy and Hereditary Succession. Now for a long period of time Paine was considered to be an atheist because of his radical views. This section completely refutes that for the purpose that Paine actually believed in the Bible heavily, and he quotes it a number of times in order to show that hereditary right is completely ridiculous. According to Paine, the idea of a monarchy was first introduced by the Heathens, and later adopted by the Jewish kingdom, which was later brought to Europe. Hereditary rule goes against the laws of the bible because every man is born the same way, so by definition they are equal. It also goes against the laws of society because a position of public honors has to given to you by the public, and nobody is born with that right. He makes the point that hereditary monarchs are not common sense because they pose more problems than they solve. (Anyone remember how well a child king rules?)
The third section is titled Thoughts on the Present State of American Affairs. According to Paine our goal is to reach posterity, which is succeeding in future generations collectively. The state of American affairs are leading to this goal, but there has to be a fight for it. The English are prepared for battle, and so are the Americans. Paine first begins to describe the relation of America with Great Britain (GB). He states, "I have heard it asserted by some that as America hath flourished under the former connection with GB..." In order for America to be in the place that it was, it need the English because it brought them to the point where they wanted to be independent. But, to continue with the quote, "...that the same connection is necessary towards the future happiness, " (pg 20) is nothing more than fallacious. In essence, there comes a point in time where there is a need for independence from the "motherland" especially when it has been treating you badly in the last couple of years. There was plenty of petitions and talks about the problem, but nothing was ever solved, so to eliminate this relationship meant establishing a new one that wasn't so controlling. Paine believed that America was finally ready to become an independent country.
There is one more section, but that can be skipped since it talks about abilities to win the war.
So, to answer my questions, is there a possibility for a new Thomas Paine to come out with a new "Common Sense"? I think so. There are so many battles to be fought throughout the world with the words used by Thomas Paine. His ideas are universal in that they correspond to anyone who wants to have the right to choose. Now could it be worded differently, ABSOLUTELY! We are no longer in 1776 and our language has developed greatly.
I think that if I were to pick a topic to write about, I would pick immigration. We as a country have lost the ability to think rationally when it comes to this topic because we are so focused on protecting ourselves from threats around the world. But immigration is our right as human beings. We can go and live wherever we like because this is our planet. The government has made it almost impossible for people to move around because of the control that they have for the "borders." While we increase in population, we also deal with the fact that Earth is changing because we have not taken good care of it. There will be a need for immigration once many of coastal places get sucked in by the rising sea level. Problems will arise from this if the government continues to show a strong stance against immigration. Wars will be fought because there will be a need to move. Now I am talking about some hypothetical situation, but I do think there is a need to address this issue eventually because we we'll have to suffer the consequences if we don't.
Just a thought, but I am not going to get carried away. If I were to write a "Common Sense" I would be more articulate, right now I am just babbling. Have fun!
Reference: Paine, Thomas. Common Sense and Other Writings. New York: Random House, Inc, 2003.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Does anyone even know what that means?
I've been inspired at this moment to write about how much I hate people. I started thinking about my time in high school and I couldn't help but say, "Man, I hate people!" Now what does that have to do with the word loner? Well I think it goes hand in hand with my complete distaste in the "collective" mindset.
Now before you stop reading this, I will explain thoroughly what I mean by the word "people". This means any kind of group, three or more. This also includes when I am a part of a group of three or more in a setting where we are allowed to speak loudly. The reason this is so irritating to me that I have to touch on such a powerful feeling is because the constant, non-stop, deliberately bitchy attitude that I see from groups of people. Sometimes it's very apparent while other times it seems to come out of left field.
The one thing I can't stand most about groups of people is the judgment. I think its one of the most annoying feelings to have when someone is judging you, let alone a group of fucking people. I mean I truly hate having to see the glare of condensation from certain groups. It almost makes me want to scream, "FUCK YOU!" while giving them the middle finger and telling them all of their indiscretions because they are no fucking saints themselves. That's how much I hate groups of people.
And to make matters worse because the crowd relies so heavily on numbers, the more people in the group the more willingness to act the same, so there is more judgment passed on to you.
So I often avoid settings where I will find myself engulf in the feeling of judgment. If that makes me a "loner" then I guess I am a loner. But I still feel the same way and none of these feelings ever change regardless which setting I put myself in. In high school, I was the one being judge. In Roatan, I was the one judging and the one being judged.
So to end my small post, I will say this...
1. I hate groups of people.
2. I am a loner because I hate groups of people.
3. I like being a loner.
Now there are many reasons why I am a loner, but for now this is just one.
So as I head out to the beach, I will take my book to read and swim in order to have my "loner" time to myself. And I hope that I won't get hit on today...
Friday, July 16, 2010
(CNN) -- "Mexican President Felipe Calderon has announced the resignation of Interior Secretary Fernando Gomez Mont, who oversaw security efforts against drug cartels in Mexico.
"Gomez Mont will be succeeded by attorney Jose Francisco Blake Mora.
"'Currently, the country is facing challenges, but I am certain that us citizens, political actors and government have the potential, the duty and the will to surpass them,' Gomez Mont said.
"As interior minister, Gomez Mont oversaw the security strategy of the country against drug cartels, a battle that has cost thousands of lives. He also was in charge of operations such as the closure of an electric utility that had become inefficient and bloated, which was seen as a challenge to the power of the electricity workers' union.
"Blake Mora is an attorney from Baja California state who served as chief of staff to the state government from 2007 until this week. Previously, he was a councilman in Tijuana, as well as a state and federal congressman.
"Calderon also announced the resignation of Patricia Flores Elizondo, a senior presidential adviser. Mexico's current economic minister was to take her place as senior adviser, and Bruno Francisco Ferrari was named new economic minister."
I sit here watching Fox News because I like to hear what the competition is saying, even if it is non sense. I hear them speak about all of the illegal immigrants in Arizona. I hear them speak about two girls that were raped by illegal immigrants in AZ, and it is happening everyday (I am sure that's a lie). I hear that the federal government is not doing enough about the problem in the borders. I hear about the Democrats and their incessant pressing of a new policy instead of following the law.
Yet I don't hear a word about all of the human trafficking going on in the States. I don't hear about the farms and factories that employ the illegal immigrants, which are brought here by these companies and then fired once they are no longer needed. I don't here about a plan to help the Mexican government tackle the issues of drug use in the US because that is the main reason why the cartels are coming over in the first place.
If "Republicans" or "Tea Party" members want to solve the issue of illegal immigration, then they have to take a close look at where they are living! We live in a country that was founded by immigration down to Native Americans that first came through the Bering Strait. That's not the ONLY point I make when justifying a natural right as a human being. Not only that, but this country thrived from immigrants coming all over the world to bring businesses and ideas. We employ so many illegal immigrants in so many fields because Americans are not going to pick up diapers or berries or corn. They are not going to chop off McDonalds' meat at minimum wage. We are so accustomed to living above everyone else in the world that we as a society are unwilling to see ourselves as anything less than better. And we are so addicted to drugs, that we cannot even imagine a world without them. A study was conducted that showed the dismantling of society if drugs were to just disappear. it heart breaking that we blame Mexico for bringing the violence to AZ, yet we completely neglect the fact that the drug business is booming and we are paying for it!
We also need to realize that the border will ONLY be protected if the infrastructure in Mexico is aided. That's where the problem is and that's where we need to invest in order to truly solve the problem. As a Mexican cop, imagine choosing between a less that $500/a month paycheck or $1,000 bribe? There is no way to obtain loyalty without providing something better than the other guy.
The reason why I bring this up is because everyday some official is shot in Mexico or some talented agent has to resign because his life is at risk. We need to, as a continent, realize that illegal immigration has a lot to do with the fact that we blame the wrong people for the problem. The illegal immigrants are products of their environment. If there were decent wages in Mexico and little chance of getting killed, then they would stay home.
We continue to blame, blame, blame, but when are we going to just look at the facts and fix the problem from there? Maybe when I run for office...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
These two are the same set of clouds in the same area. I think that's what comes with inspiration. Clouds are so free to move freely through life with their purpose. They constantly change and the beauty of a cloud represents so many things to many people (heaven anyone?).
I also like to take pictures of clouds in sunset because they bring to life the colors of the sky. Sometimes it can be a hint of pinks and blues, or it can be a fiery yellow and orange.
Clouds represent the nomads, the people who chose to leave their home in search of their path. I have found that through leaving, you begin your path and write it yourself, just like clouds do. The moment the water evaporates into the air, clouds begin their journey through the world in search of their path. And destination.
As some of you may know, I am currently down in Roatan, Honduras attempting to find myself. I have found some semblance of what my life should be and due is due in part to my teaching experience.
The last time I left off I gave my last director a big "L" for loser, but it was simply because I truly felt the school was completely detrimental to the education of all of its students. This is only an opinion, but I do consider myself knowledgeable based on experience. So when I got to Roatan about one year ago, I chose to start all over in a school where i would feel most at liberty to create something more than just what was in the textbooks. And boy did I get the opportunity of a lifetime!
I met with the director of the school that I wanted to teach at. Two ladies introduce themselves (I will simply give a M and T for their privacy) and we began to talk about our "passion."
As I progressed, I began to give my disgruntled claims to my past experiences. I told them absolutely everything that happened to me in San Pedro Sula, sparing no detail. I wanted them to know that I was not looking for that kind of environment EVER again! I dealt with complete inadequacies of a bilingual school, so I wanted something different.
M discussed the different options with me and even mentioned her ordeals with the Honduran school s one going ystem, so I was pleased to know that I was not the only one going through such a difficult period. As I finished my disgruntled talk, we began to discuss possibilities. With the school, the possibilities seemed limitless. This was a brand new school attempting to find a niche that worked for the students and the teachers.
I began to explain that what I wanted was a working environment in which I was given an outline to perform my tasks and be allowed the opportunity for creativity. I was given the salary expectations, and was told that I would receive a call soon enough.
Well a month came by, and I received my phone call. I had gotten the first grade teaching position, which I must admit I was not too excited for. I went to school and accepted my position, even though I wanted high school, but was satisfied nonetheless. As I came in, I was told by M to read "The First Days of School" by Harry K.Wong; it would be a great way for me to be introduced to the idea of "and effective learning environment." I read the book and based my class on the principles taught by the book.
With this book, I new exactly what was expected of me as a teacher. I needed to be prepared. I needed to be prepared for every single minute of the day in the classroom. I took this extremely to heart because I had the first graders. To me, they are little kids who still want their mommas. But then I also remembered the importance of learning how to read the first chance you get. And I remembered being an ESL student, so I had to take this as my life goal, and that was to teach all of my students the fundamentals of first grade so that they were ready for second grade. This book gave me the key.
My philosophy went past preparation; it meant that I had to be ready to teach the first day of school. But it wasn't the material, such as math or reading, that I had to teach. My first days of school were focus on setting the classroom up fr the students to have an effective learning environment. So, I had to teach rules of the classroom, rewards for good behavior, and consequences for bad behavior. Everything HAD TO BE PREPARED!!!!!
My consequences were pocket cards that told you which color of behavior you were in for the day. Each color represented a consequence for behavior. It was wonderful because the students just love it and loved to get the "white card," which was always good behavior.
Rewards were treats, and surprises, but mostly the satisfaction of contributing to your class with good behavior by receiving a happy face.
With these two concepts, my class was almost ready to begin its course. All I needed were the procedures, or "management" plan for the classroom. It was simply having everything written down about every possible scenario in the classroom. From going to the bathroom to getting your lunch to beginning of the day; everything had to be planned and taught to the students in the first week of school. The reason is that first impressions are important in the classroom. The way in which a teacher chooses to introduce their classroom at the beginning of the year, then that is what the students take from it and will respond on to that setting. So if the teacher is lazy about preparation, had no rules, or consequences, and does not have procedures listed for every minute of the classroom, then it will remain so for the rest of the year.
So I picked to prepare and it turned out to be a gold mine! I will explain through my posts, but let's just say that the classroom was a success. It made me realize how possible this could be for me to be a teacher. I was very good at my job, and I must say I loved doing every moment of it! So there comes a point in time where everyone makes choices in their lives that will have a tremendous impact. I want to be a teacher.
It's funny how once I hated children, but now I am happy to work with them...it's easier to mold them...
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I am really nervous about it because I've began reading my textbook, and so far what scares me the most is having my lungs erupt as I come up because I am not breathing! Yeah, those are the kinds of risks you take while diving, but in the end, I have heard many people just say wonderful things about diving. I haven't heard anyone say that their lungs ruptured, but again, one can only thing of the worse and not find the thrill until completed.
As soon as it commences, I will give plenty of information along the way because it's quite exciting! In the meantime, check this video out of divers in Roatan with sharks! Enjoy!
Lebron James takes care of Lebron James. He KNOWS what he wants because he is the only one that listens everyday to the thoughts going on in his head. He is the one responsible with dealing with all the consequences of making choice for himself. I do not blame him for leaving the Cavaliers. He has made the best choice for himself based on what he tells himself and what he wants out of his life.
Right now, we ALL know his goal: to be a NBA champion. He chose to leave the city he was born in because in seven years he did not win even ONE! The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Based on that fact, Lebron must have believed that if he stayed in Cleveland, he would not win a championship and was crazy. So he took a look at his options and saw what was the BEST scenario to win the championship, and so he made his choice.
Now I say choice and not decision because decision just seems like there is no choice. Lebron James had plenty of choices, but in the end it was the Heat that took him based on the fact that they have the players to assist Lebron in winning a championship. Now I know a lot out there claim that he will be second to Wade, but let's get something straight: the season has not started and nobody knows that. The only thing we do know is that based on the past, these three are superstars and together there is a great chance that GREATNESS will take place for all of us to see. Now that's why everyone should be excited!
Lebron James made the right choice because its his to make. He has nothing to give to anyone, including Cleveland. He spent seven years attempting to bring glory to a sad place. He spent seven years assisting the economy so that many would have great opportunities. But he is finished, and he is allowed to leave once the contract is OVER. And one person cannot control the economy of one place; that's not James' responsibility. For fuck sakes, he could go and live in Africa for the rest of his life if he wants to. It's his life and he chooses what he wants to do, whether everyone agrees or not.
To finish my entry, Lebron James has shown me how much heart he has for his purpose in life and how willing and open he is to following his dreams. He is even more of an inspiration to me because here is this guy that EVEYONE is looking at making a great choice for himself while listening to the world mock him and insult him, yet he really does not let it affect him and his path to self discovery. His faith and his loyalty is to himself and to his "personal legend." That is very admirable because he is doing something that many people hate, but in the end all that he needs to see is results. I think Lebron will win many championships because Lebron is destined for it, and he has taken another step towards that direction.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I truly must say that I have not been inspired to write in my blog. I stopped because I started working at my craft, and I just lost interest in writing about my experiences in Honduras in conglomerate with the books that I read. I still want to write about books, but less about them and more about me. I guess the blog is the new way in which an ordinary person can write their feelings, as oppose to a journal, but now share it with the world. I am not sure I want to share such personal feelings, but then again, I could care less what anyone thinks of me. So lets continue on and see if we can reach a new level of fame...
As recently as yesterday, I finished reading the book "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. To give a brief summary, this is the story of a boy named Santiago, who lives on the plains of Andulusia in Spain and herds sheep for a living. He begins to have vivid dreams about a treasure awaiting him at the Pyramids of Giza, in Egypt. He soon begins the quest to find this treasure, and in essence, find himself. The book calls it his "Personal Legend" where every living being has one and must attain it in order to reach the true purpose of one's life. Through trials and tribulations, the boy finds the love of his life, and he finds out that the journey is in essence the personal legend finding itself. He also finds his treasure in a place that he least expected to find it, but you need to read the book to find that one out.
This is the first time I have come across a book of spirituality that I have been able to read. I am not a big fan of religion, and have no real concept of spirituality. I will say here and now that my religion is the freedom of the human being, written in the US Constitution, and my spirituality is based on the ideas of possibilities. My mind is open to endless ideas about the world, but I choose to embrace them as theories, and not concrete facts.
To begin my discussion of this book, I must say that I really liked it. Coelho has a very interesting take on the world and his surroundings. Everything is one, and everything in essence can speak in one language, the language of the heart in the soul of the world. Because we can all speak this one true language of "life," we all function in a similar way. Some living thing, like a single-cell organism, has a purpose to live as a single-cell organism. That is its "Personal Legend." The bees that travel many different planes to find pollen for their nest and cultivate their honey is their "Personal Legend." Every SINGLE living organism in this universe is connected in the fact that we have a purpose to fulfill in our lifetime.
As human beings, we are truly complex creatures with millions of thoughts and feelings that allow us clarity or mist through our paths of self-discovery. Because of the fact that we have created our world based on what we need, we have alienated the surrounding creatures that give us the answers so many of us are desperately trying to find. Coelho uses the term "omen" to describe these signs we seek to guide us. An omen is anything perceived or happening that is believed to portend a good or evil event or circumstance in the future; portent. An omen is also a sign of the language of the heart guiding you on your path to your "Personal Legend." I call them a gut feeling, but there is definitely more to it.
When reading the story, I found it very curious that most of the omens came from other living things, like butterflies or hawks, and it made me wonder how many signs I've been missing while on my path to self discovery. What we often forget is that our lives are all connected by the simple fact that we are alive. Everything on this planet has that one thing in common, and it always the most difficult thing to understand between one another. We see ourselves as different, but the energy that is "life" is in all of us, and it that sense, we are capable of finding our way through life by looking at the life surrounding us and know that although we are one individually, WE ARE ONE COLLECTIVELY. That means that searching for your true path means searching with every other living thing that is searching for theirs. We are not alone, and we can use the symbols and living things around us to find out a little about ourselves and about life.
In order to find one's "personal legend," one must know what that personal legend is. How do I find that out? By looking into your dreams and wondering about yourself and the world around you. Why is it so easy for the bees to find their purpose, but yet so many people all over the world live in complete depression without realizing their true potential? I don't know. I was like that for a period of time where I felt completely lost. I did not know who I was nor did I know what I wanted to do. I forgot about myself and it took me 8 years to realize that I was on the right path to my self discovery, and this was a trial and tribulation for it. When we realize what our path is to discover who we are, we realize that every single problem in our lives has been sent there to test the fact that you will become your personal legend. You see, I've always wanted to be a lawyer. Every since I can remember I wanted to be right all of the time. For a while though, I thought of myself as completely lost and useless. I felt I was a joke and an inconvenience, so I chose to leave my surroundings to find something different. I took the journey of a lifetime to Honduras, thinking that I would find a new home in this country. What I ended up doing is testing myself on the complete limits of my capabilities. I also extended my capabilities to endless possibilities. I now FIRMLY believe that I can do anything that I set my mind to because all of the trials that I have gone through brought me back to my personal legend of becoming a lawyer, well more specifically law professor for I have found an AMAZING passion for teaching. So again, I think I was just able to see, and so many people see while others get lost in the trap of suffering and complaint, which could be the reason they never find themselves.
It's pretty fascinating to me to have this mentality because I am truly grateful now to all of those great ones and assholes (won't mention any names) who made life possible and impossible for me at times. Thank you for your genius and idiocy and I hope you find your own personal legend.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
One of my other companions on this trip is "surfthechannel.com." If anyone knows anything about me, the one thing they would know is how much I love television and media. Growing up and watching The Simpsons, I grew fascinated and obsessed with media. I would literally watch 5-8 hours of television a day, sometimes to the wee hours of the morning. Since it's important to me, I have found a way to keep it in my life.
When moving to Honduras, one of my many concerns was, "What the hell am I going to about television and movies?" Then came the wonderful world of surfthehannel.com. I had heard it from a friend, don't remember who, and so I took it upon myself to find this website where the magic happened. I was not disappointed!
Every movie and television show I can think of can be found in this website. Any documentary, funny item, anything (except "The Devil Wears Prada") can be found. And for every item I see, there is always something interesting to say.
On that note, this marks the first item about surfthechannel.com section. There will be many more commentaries about the website, and what's on it. Check it out and see if you can find your long lost brother!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Coming in to the outdoor auditorium/gym, I could hear the loud buzzing of the students chanting their daily mantra of gossip prior to their daily prayer. It was mandatory that everyone join in and share their faith with others. Of course, I would prefer to get on with the daily activities, but that is another blog all together.
After the prayer, the national anthem is sung by all of the students. Again, this is going on during the first period of the classroom, roughly about 15-20 minutes total time. The rumbling of the students takes about five minutes to subside, and we begin, "Tu bandera...." It's a beautiful anthem, but it's quite unnecessary to ramble it every single day, as most of the students did. Once finished, the lovely director, which will be named a "miracle," comes to the stage and introduces the new teacher: Mrs. Melgar! Now, I am not married, so how do I come up with this fabrication of the "Mrs"? I have to keep up appearances at school, and to avoid any misunderstandings, I am married with Mr. Melgar. So very antiquated...
Now that I am introduced, I am given my books (yes, the same day I start) and sent my way to my first classroom. I taught a combination of different classrooms in various grades. To begin writing about my tenure, I can only say that I truly wanted the best for my students. I was ready and willing to devote my time and make sure my students were successful. Unfortunately for me, nobody told my principal of this, nor my students, so I was in for the ride of my life.
A key component to successful teaching is classroom management. I had absolutely none! Imagine a typical day in a class, say Sociology,
"The noise of the students continues in an uproar as the teacher attempts to write the notes on the board and have the students write it down prior to having the lesson start. All of the students are sitting with their faces against the board, speaking in a Spanish that the teacher has never heard. As the teacher asks the students to begin writing their notes, 85% of the students get up to get their notebooks, not even ready and five minutes have passed. Another ten minutes are used to have everyone obtain their materials for "learning." Once they have their notebooks, they begin to ask for pencils, pens, anything they can get their hands on for writing. Two or three students get up and walk around for another two minutes asking everyone for a pencil; and anything else they can think of, only finding one on the desk they left. And the lesson begins, about 15 minutes into the period. Throughout the hour, reprimanding students for speaking without permission is constant. Cell phones are passed around, and notes are thrown. Some students get up and use the restroom, without permission; and some fall asleep, only being 8:30am. As the classroom time finishes, many of the students did not write their notes, and the teacher leaves feeling hopeless and desolate."
This would be a daily occurrence in the classroom and throughout the school. Students, especially in a particular grade, had absolutely no sense of respect for an educational institution, and it was because of the principal. I have taken the blame for all of the faults I had while teaching at the school. Yet I will not take responsibility for that's school's failure. This chaos has been run that way prior to my arrival and it remains the same today.
I say this with the utmost respect, but the principal of the school set up her school so that the students had very little opportunity for success. There are no rules in the school. Children do as they please with very little consequence. An example of this would be the time that two of my thirteen year old students were caught ditching in school property. They chose to not attend my classroom and hung out in the building that was being constructed. As a responsible teacher, or so I thought, I found the students and sent them to the office. These two particular students had already been causing problems at the school, so I asked the principal to contact their parents and possibly even have them suspended for the day. I certainly did not want them in my classroom. The next day, not only did they come back into my classroom, but they taunted me with the fact that they got away with it and continued to fail in their classes and in their lives.
It was impossible to have the students complete their assignments, but more impossible was failing a student, even if they did NOTHING. Paying for the tuition meant that students were guaranteed a diploma at the end of their run. Grades, participation, and behavior were all additional circumstances to the grade, but the MAIN component is money. Students knew this, and took full advantage of the situation. I have one specific example where one of my students, no name mention, received a 54% in my Reading class. He did not turn in his final project, an essay on your favorite book, and so he failed in my eyes. He begged me to change his grade, and gave me excuses, but I said no. It wasn't about the essay only, his overall performance was beyond a failure. So to conclude my example, the next day I see the assistant director changing his grade in front of my face, so that his grade was in the 70% percentile. To make matters worse, the student is dictating to the assistant what he wants for his grade. I was shocked, appalled, embarrassed, undermined, humiliated, and disturbed, among many other things. I asked and continue to ask myself, "How can someone live with themselves knowing that a student is learning how to avoid consequences from the person that's suppose to enforce them?"
Kerouac also had his first travel job in Mill City, CA. His friend, Remi, got Sal (Kerouac) a job as a special policeman. It seems appropriate that both of our job had something to do with dealing with other people, and children at that. His responsibilities began with his, "...flashlight to illuminate my way; I climbed the steep walls of the south Canyon, got up on the highway...scrambled down the other side, almost falling, and came to the bottom of the ravine." This passage way led to barracks filled with "overseas construction workers." As his main job, he had to make sure that, "They didn't tear the barracks down." Most of these men were running away, as he puts it, probably from the law, so one can assume them to be trouble makers.
And soon we come to find out the making of their trouble the night Sal is working alone. The construction workers decide on that great night to get drunk, and so began the tumultuous chaos. As Kerouac explains, "Men were shouting, bottles were breaking. It was do or die for me. I took my flashlight and went to the noisiest door and knocked." The conversation that ensued reminds me of the conversations I would have with my students.
"What do you want?"
I said, "I'm guarding these barracks tonight and you boys are supposed to be quiet as much as you can.
They slammed the door in my face. I knocked again. "Listen, I don't want to come around bothering you fellows, but I'll lose my job if you make too much noise."
"Who are you?"
"I'm the guard here."
"Never seen you before."
"Well here's my badge."
"What are you doing with the pistol cracker in your ass?"
"It isn't mine. I borrowed it."
"Have a drink for christ sakes."
My comparisons are pretty obvious, but I will explain how I came to the conclusion that Kerouac and I had similar experiences with our first travel job. First, there was NO respect. With a few exceptions, there was no respect given to the teacher/special policeman. When I had to enforce anything, like a suspension, it was met with complete shutdown and mockery. When Sal attempts to bring down the noise level, the door is slammed on his face. Once he finally gets in, instead of following orders, they ask him to get a drink, as to say "If you can't beat them, join them." It's as if there is no authority to bring this group to a place of respect. Both of us dealt with the fact that the only way people will get respect is by joining them, and not beating them.
Another item that I took from this was that there is NO authority to bring this group down; which is one of the many reasons why there is no respect. Neither the sheriff nor the principal can honestly bring these kids down, so there is no reason for them to behave. To add to this argument, specifically, the only person that will get in trouble, on both fronts, regardless of the outcome, is the teacher/special policeman. They take the responsibility and they get paid, so they can also get F**KED in the ass.
Although we felt different about our responsibilities, our outcome was the same regardless. I would work long hours and fight everyday with my students, feeling exhausted and hopeless. Kerouac got drunk and posted the US flag up side down, feeling exhausted and hopeless.
To bring everything together, my only concern was the fact that we were failing these kids every single day, and not in their grades. I was unable to give my best because that would conflict with the true philosophy of the school, which can be described simply as the "english speaking zone." It is an inside joke between the people that experienced this horror unfold before them and myself, but we can't help but feel the sadness that occurred daily at that school.
The system was completely broken, and the living situation turned out to be completely disastrous. Because I lived at my school, my landlord was my principal. I blame my departure of San Pedro Sula on her, and this would be the reason. My principal did not like me. My principal hated Carlos. This is the kind of hate that can only be described as pure. I mean no empathy whatsoever; the way you see a friend whose stabbed you in the back.
Kerouac also encounters problems at his home while he deals with extenuating circumstance. Stay tuned!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
When I last had left Honduras, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. My mind was compounded by change in a way that I had never felt before. I needed to be there and I needed to be there at that moment...
In a desperate attempt to return to Honduras, I came across an ad on a teacher website, and the words "Albert Einstein International School" came popping right in front of me. They needed English speaking teachers in the industrial capital of Honduras, San Pedro Sula. The qualifications were easy to handle (English speaker, college degree), so I contacted them and within a week I was back in Honduras as the high school teacher of the Albert Einstein International School. I had a purpose, and Kerouac's purpose led him to Mill City, outside of San Francisco.
Kerouac's journey led him to Mill City, outside of San Francisco, where he was to meet with his friend, Remi Bonceaur. He described it as, "...a collection of shacks, in a valley, housing-project shacks built for navy Yard workers during the war; it was in a canyon, and a deep one, treed profusely on all slopes. It was, so they say, the only place in America where whites and Negroes lived together voluntarily; and that was so, and so wild and joyous a place I've never seen since." The way in which Kerouac describes this place almost seems magical. It is a place that he has never seen before, and a place that has never existed before that moment when he lands. The way in which the homes are characterized seems like a "collection of shacks" almost seems like their is a distinct quality in the area that deserves to be preserved and remembered for eternity. Furthermore, the fact that it is the one place in the nation where integration exists, just makes it even more magical. San Pedro Sula was my Mill City. Although there weren't many racial problems in this time, there are many other social injustices that makes this place special to me. Some place I never thought existed.
I was greeted by my Dean, Carlos, my neighbor, Natasha, my principal and her sister. As I headed for the city, I could only imagine what kind of work I would have to do. I had never been a teacher before, and I hate kids, so this seemed like a really BAD idea, but it was the easiest and fastest way to get "home" to my man. My trip to Honduras began with following this one person, like Kerouac's trip began, but as I began my own journey, I was able to acquire this sense of self that I had lot a long time ago. Let's get back to the experience, though.
Traveling through the main highway of Honduras gave a sense of unity to the place. "Colonias" were scattered throughout the exterior with the "busitos" driving along and getting robbed. One of the highlights of the travel was the water park "Zizima." Coming out of the airport, one can feel their hair frizzing up and your chest beginning to sweat. One of the awesomely disgusting things in Honduras is the constant sweat. One can be getting out of the shower, and automatically sweat will drip out of your body, causing you to want to shower again. But it was bathtaking traveling through the greenery of the many fields. One thing Honduras is beautiful for is for it's scenery, for the most part.
As we drove into the city, it was wonderful to see the way the United States had influenced Honduras. In typical fashion, we had our Mc Donalds, Wendy's, Burger King, Pizza Hut, and even Tony Romas at the state-of-the-art "City Mall." I was home again, but without the vanity of celebrity. Yet in my moments where I felt like I was "home," I felt that it was this different home; a home in another dimension that looks the same, but the people are not, and the principles are not, and the world is not the same!
Passing the train tracks, my principal advised us not to go past the tracks for safety reasons. I remember instinctively the many times I was beyond the train tracks. While living in El Porvenir, Carlos and I would take the beat up school bus into the city to spend the day trying to find some cheeba and trying to find something to do. I realized at that moment how overtly cautious everyone was due to the crime rate, and how ridiculously incautious we were. Personally, I never got robbed and I felt quite safe in the city.
The journey led me to see the "Parque Central," where you have a combination of students, drunks, crackheads, protesters, advertisers, lottery salesman, Cinnabon, policemen, police vehicles with incarceration cells, prostitutes, little people, gays, bible freaks, state officials, and moms who breastfeed, among other fascinating people. It was quite the show, especially how confined the area is. Imagine a typical park with your swings, baseball field, basketball field, and if fancy, indoor area for more sports. In comparison, this park was about the size of half a city block with most of the floor being cement. There was a bridge, which was nice, but the river was a sewage pipe, for those interesting in watching the lovely water through the nonstop rainy season.
As we approached our school, it was surrounded by a big black gate with wired fencing to keep the hoodlums and robbers out. San Pedro Sula has a high rate of crime, and things happen everyday. Coming from the San Fernando Valley, this was definitely something I was not accustomed to, but I dealt with and I forgot. We will soon find out why there are wired fencing EVERYWHERE.
As we went inside of the school, where I was also living because the teacher dorms were located behind the school, I was told of the different areas. The classrooms were in the second and third floors. The main floor was the area of recess, lunch, and CHAOS! As we continued walking, I was told that I would start teaching the next day. I had no idea what I was teaching, no did I know how many students I had, nor did I know anything about anyone. My life at Albert Einstein had begun.
Kerouac encounters a similar situation where chooses to get a job as a special policeman. In our situations, we both have the obligation to uphold the law of the "land," and where our"badge," me as a school teacher and him as a policeman, with honor, but the circumstances surrounding our tenure can only be summed up with a new subject: Hell.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
During my time in the States, of which I was without my better half, I focused my time to work, family, and friends. I worked at some garage accessory place as a customer service representative. It was quite uneventful. Every fifteen minute break, I would go on my cig break. When my hour break came, I would walk around the Chatsworth area with my medication and my food. I found it enjoyable and humorous that I would get a full break from my job and think about my life in Honduras. It was the time when I first read One Hundred Years of Solitude, and I absolutely loved it. I would see myself as the valiant and lonely Aureliano. As I approach my time to leave to Honduras again, I would think of when I would come back. At that moment, time was completely uncertain.
My time with my family was limited. With my family, the judgments come like air. We always yell, we always mock, we always call each other names as salutes. I have always been a perpetrator of this, constantly calling one of my cousins a "fag," but i never realize how ridiculous it was until someone pointed it out to me when I would call them names. I felt low and ashamed. Completely like a embarrassed. And that was why I chose to keep away. Avoid problems, insults, gossip. I feel bad, but it was the only way to stand it for the time I was there. I now miss my family greatly, but I could not stand the negativity. The great thing about my time was my nephew, whose face is a ball of sunshine.
I had a wonderful time with friends. Ana and Victor were my life savers. Every night we would go out and get stoned till we could no longer keep our eyes open. They would carry a lovely tool that would always work at hitting the spot. We would discuss things in our lives that were for those we trusted. "I remember the time the assholes at my high school..." Constantly opening doors into our own trust with other people. We were confined to that blue mustang with oue ideas, tragedies, dreams, and realities. They were also the only ones that felt my choice to go was a wise decision, and wished me good luck!
While I was living this life in the States, I was also traveling back to Honduras in an attempt to assuage my desires for Carlos. As soon as I would arrive, I would see him waiting for me at the terminal with his cousin waiting to give me a hug. I was thrilled to come back each time waiting to see how things were different. Prior to this trip, I had lived and been only in California, so this was quite exciting. We would return to the simple home where there was nothing but what we had brought with us. We would spend our time outside smokin and chillin, and inside playing video games. I couldn't help but think how life would be like for me if I was born in El Porvenir. I would stay home with my mother and learn how to cook and clean. When I would turn fifteen, I would be pregnant and ready for marriage. By the time I turned nineteen, I would have two children and be in the process of divorce. Life was much faster, but yet completely dull, simple and slow. More than half of the people had not left their homes, like myself until that point. How different could my life had been, but yet how frighteningly similar .
I remember looking at myself in the mirror at certain points wishing I would have a constant in my life. I didn't. I would return to Los Angeles crying until my eyes had no tears wishing that life were simple in Honduras and I was with Carlos, like in California. But things were not easy. Thing were changing. I didn't know myself and I didn't know what to expect anymore. I didn't know if i would always travel back and forth or if I was going to find something that would work. I was scared and lonely. My mind was in a haze and I didn't know how to feel or what to do except plan for my trip back to Honduras.
I am sure that was how Kerouac felt on his journey to Denver and San Francisco. One of my favorite points in the book is when he traveled through Des Moines, Iowa. He states, "I didn't know who I was---I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of the steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and the footsteps upstairs, and all of the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds." Being outside of your element in strange surroundings changes the way you view yourself. In a way it is as if the old self is completely changed. Your habits and routines change. Your life changes to the point of no return. What is left is trying to figure out who you are and what this new person is going to do from then on. All I knew was that I was heading for San Pedro Sula; Kerouac was heading for San Francisco.