Sunday, September 5, 2010

The most destructive, despicable, yet truthful love story of the 20th Century

I decided today would be the day I would continue writing about my adventures while traveling. For the most part, I have only been to Honduras and I lived there for two years. While in those two years, I encountered some wonderful and frightful events that led to me returning home to the place that is safe and comforting. While I live my life, I also enjoy reading the classics because there is nothing like learning from the most intelligent and crazy people that have ever lived. In this case, I chose to read "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov because it was my time. The things that happen while I live my life lead to the exact moment that I am in today. I shall explain later how such a relationship ties in to my life and my passions.

A brief description of the story of "Lolita" is as follows... Humbert Humbert has a fascination with young girls. He calls him "nymphets" in that these young girls are starved for the lust of older men, but they do not know it yet. When he leaves his native France to the States, he meets a woman with whom he is to spend the summer with. At first, he is extremely disappointed because his intentions were to go with a family that had a little girl living with them. But as he soon discovers, he meets the daughter of the woman he is to spend the summer with, and this is where the story truly begins. Dolores Haze becomes this infatuation, obsession, love that Humbert can not escape. As he fills his days with this nymphet, he begins to write about her in his journal in hopes to pacify any urges that might bring him to insanity. He calls her his Lolita and wishes that one day he will have his way with her. Her mother sends her to camp and wishes to marry Humbert in hopes of finding the man she truly loves. They get married and while he pretends to love the mother, he is more infatuated and obsessed with the idea of bedding Lolita and making her fall in love with him. Lolita's mother soon finds out of her husband's infidel ways of thinking, so she runs into the middle of the street, gets struck by a car and is killed instantly.

Destiny falls into place and now Humbert collects Lolita from camp and they begin their journey of love, lust, perversion, and attempt to create their own normalcy. To end matters, Lolita runs away and marries, Humbert kills the man Lolita ran off with, and ends up in prison for the rest of his life.

I decided not to discuss too much into detail the perverted events that took place while Humbert and Lolita were together because I am not a fan of pedophilia nor do I want to talk about it. But the one thing I will discuss is the ability to love something or someone even though the circumstances can seem completely ridiculous and often times criminal. When we fall in love, regardless with whom, we see nothing but the passion we feel for that person. Everything comes second and you will do anything to be with this person. I myself have endured years of this passion. I gave my life to a passion that was insurmountable, I could barely breathe just thinking about it. It was as if I put a pause on reality in order to feel one more second of this obsession I felt because it fulfilled me entirely. I believe this is how Humbert felt when he got a hold of his Lolita. It was a love so profound that nothing, not even the court system could stop him from getting his goal. I can only give vague details of the life I have led because quite frankly, my life is just one of the many lives that go through these circumstances. And while I hope that you all get this opportunity to feel the love I felt, I also hope you understand the big sacrifice you are giving. You are no longer the person that you thought you were. Your tolerance for pain grows stronger as you begin the road to disappointment. I say disappointment because this love so passionate can only lead to only place: extinguishing death.

I have misplaced my book so I cannot share my favorite quotes with you. I don't think it's necessary anyways. I just think now the reason why I read the book was to compare my life to the life of Humbert. I compare myself to him, and not Lolita, because my Lolita refused me just as much as Humbert's Lolita did. So now that I am at this place wondering all of the choices I made in hopes of finding some answers, I can only say that I loved through and through. The one thing that I have learned from my years of passion is that I do have the ability to love unconditionally. Did I learn how to control myself? No. I think I will always be that girl that engulfs herself in her passions. I think it's the only way to live; to love and to feel everything because then do I feel like I have truly lived the life that I was meant to live.

To end this post, Lolita can be called despicable; Lolita can be called atrocious. I call Lolita the greatest love story ever told simply because the circumstances do not mean anything when it comes to the love and devotion you feel for someone that you've profoundly connected to; there is NOTHING more important than to have that person in your arms at every moment, every breath, every word. I have had the privileged of experience such profound love. While it is destructive to the individual self, nothing can compare to the true feelings felt when falling, and I do mean FALLING, for someone this hard. The worst part about it is having it taken away, as it will most certainly be taken away. But for the mean time, I will do nothing but enjoy the fruits I have been given.

Friday, September 3, 2010

"See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will..."

Lauryn Hills knows how write the perfect song for the perfect heartbreak. I can truly understand her words in this song for I am living proof of what happens when you give yourself to someone so much that you lose touch of who you are.

My favorite part is when she says, "Tell me who I have to be? To get some reciprocity." I couldn't agree with her more in this instance. To describe the amount of love, devotion, dedication, and time I have given is insurmountable because I have given 100% of myself and now it's no longer wanted. And maybe it's wanted, but without reciprocity. So all I can do is play this song over and over until the pain goes away. Deep down, the pain will never go away for it's the love of my life, but as I live my life the only thing I can do is pretend to be okay again until it comes true, regardless of the outcome. So let's listen to this beautiful song in hopes that one day we will all find our way in this awful place we call life.

Lauryn Hill- "Ex-Factor"
"It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Repeat Hook

Care for me, care for me
You said you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me"